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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Okay
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure