“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.