*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
☠️☠️☠️
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.