[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Every time.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Oh no
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT