Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.