Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it