Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
i hate you platonically
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.