Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
❤️🦆
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*