To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.