Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
White parent Vs Arab parents
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend