[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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Still laughing at this stupid meme
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention