“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”