I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.