The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
A little too much information.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.