Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.