[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.