Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.