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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My time has come.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?