*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom