I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.