I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
“and how does that make you feel?”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Print is alive and well!!!