Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I think I’ll stand
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.