Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
This is my bus stop.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.