On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
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[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
When you kidnap a writer.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Worst perfume name ever.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer