My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Steam Forums
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me