If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now