The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
This forever.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Schrödinger’s cookie
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually