I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”