Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
kitchen magnet
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I triple waxed for this?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it