I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I feel this so hard
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
How wrong was this guy?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Has science gone too far?
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband