i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.