One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*watches the world burn*
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently