Meow
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.