That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?