Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague