you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!