This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
You Might Also Like
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.