her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
You Might Also Like
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch