i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
classic mixup
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait