FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I feel seen
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?