Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Baller is short for ballerina
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.