*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Love this one 😂🧟
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
TEETH IS INNOCENT
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?