I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
You Might Also Like
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I know this now 😂
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
That’s classic.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
This classic never gets old . . .
A friend helps you before you need it
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*