Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
honestly, i need both:
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them