the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Hello Twits.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Based Erika
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume