My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan