My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.