blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Bike is short for Bichael.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.