Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
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There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.