My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”